I was up late the other night working and saw a Johnny Carson documentary on Netflix and decided to watch it. It was really good. All the great comedians were on talking about Carson and what a difference he made in their lives. Drew Carey cried, Ellen got a little weepy too, talking about how Johnny called her over to the couch after her stand up. Remember how he did that at the end if you were really good.. Joan Rivers talked about how cut throat and intense he was. It was just a really good documentary, and halfway through I started to cry a little, and then by the end a little harder..I went upstairs, got in bed and said to Shawn "I watched a Johnny Carson documentary and I'm upset." "Why" he says "because he was got married twelve times, because he was an alcoholic or because he's dead." "I'm not sure, I say.." then break into the ugly cry. Sob is more like it. I don't know why I was crying. Was it from nostalgia? Was it because I saw those god awful videos on Facebook of kids punching people, earlier in the day and I was just now reacting to it. I don't know. Maybe both. I know that Johnny Carson was a show that I watched with my grandma, with my family, a show my dad and I could laugh at, even though I didn't get all the jokes. I remember every time we would leave my grandma Lily's house she would wave furiously at us and weep, like she'd never see us again. Sometimes Shawn's mom bursts into tears for no apparent reason. When you do these things your kids do think your nuts. At least I know Grace does. Mariama and Holly are old enough now to realize "oh it's just my middle aged mom, she'll be alright..eventually."
LOL Today I was here..
In one of the most beautiful cathedrals I've ever seen. And it sits right over the river from Cincinnati in Covington KY. Just sort of shimmering there for the last 120 years or so. Grace and I spent half an hour studying the windows and mosaics. Over in one of the corners we found a book open for people to view. It was the Gospel of Luke, with the story of Zacchaeus. I started to sing the song for Grace that I learned when I was a kid, and then read her the story. There is a sacred chapel on the south side of the sanctuary that gets this brilliant light and the windows and ornate gold is so mesmerizing that you are compelled to sit in silence. I sat on one side and she on the other and once again partially from the sun and partially from the peace of being there, just the two of us in such a reverent awe inspiring place, I cried yet again. When I looked over at Grace so little bitty in that giant place, she was sitting perfectly still just taking it all in. I believe we are drawn to these moments when we need them. So to wrap it all up with a messy bow I say we just need to keep looking to the light and watching our step as we go. And when our life feels a little too much like one big check writing class or parent teacher conference, we will have faith and relish that moment, because I'm sure before you know it Shawn and I will be waving our hands furiously and tearing up as our kids back down the driveway to their grown up lives.
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